Turning a Tragedy into a Lingering Nightmare: Destroying the Family Circle When a Loved One Dies - Part 1

So, your dad dies... 

...and your immediate thoughts are "What do I get out of this?" and "I'm sure my bother and sister are going to go in that house and steal all the good stuff and get all the stuff that I want and deserve! I want what should be mine! I know they're going to cheat me!"

Really? 

Has that brother or sister ever given you reason to not trust them? Have they stolen from you before? Do you think for a second there's anything really in father's house that they really want? Have you not been free to get anything you've wanted all these years? Or anything that belonged to our mother in his house that's been left behind over the ten years that she's been dead? Really? What would that be?

How about instead maybe, "This is a tragedy for us all. My step-father and my step-sister's birth father has died after 85 years of living. Oh gee, there's going to be a lot of work to do. Going into the house and cleaning out stuff and sorting through things. Who's going to be responsible to handle all this? I better find a way to get there and help. Plus all the funeral arrangements have to be made and shipping the body and having the funeral, a preacher, notices, obituary, pictures, flowers, funeral director arrangement, documents signed, money to pay these people (where's THAT going to come from?), find the will, meet with a lawyer, dress and go to the funeral, prepare a meal afterwards, arrange plane flights and try to do it all in one week. All in one week. 

Plus all the sadness and grieving. I better pitch in and help however I can. I'm sure my brother and sister will need some support. We can all grieve together and try to find some healing and bonding between us all. It's the least I can do. He was my step-father who gave me the only real fathering I've ever known - who has always treated me very well and loved me and done tons of things for me throughout my childhood and life. He loved me with a smiling spirit - with tolerance and forgiveness for any of my past misbehavings. And he loved my mother very much and was always kind to everyone. I could never repay him for all the good he has brought to my life. How could I not love and appreciate him even if I find fault with him in other ways. The least I can do is honor him respectfully in death, be helpful to the others living, and try to pitch in with my brother and sister and whoever else will help through this process. It's the least I can do. It's obviously the only right and proper thing to do. I can give love and comfort in a time of tragedy."

But instead we get this...

"I'm not going to help in any of this! I'm not even going to step into that house! I hate that house! Oh I know you guys are going to steal from me. You've already said you're taking the truck that he insisted that you have. He was probably out of his mind when he wanted to give you his retirement prized truck! You better sell that truck and give me my fair share of that! That's probably a $10,000 truck and I should get at least a third of it even if there are five children. He doesn't have any right to give away that truck. I want my fair share! I don't care if it was his prized possession and symbol of his life's retirement that he wanted somebody else to cherish! I want the money from it!"

And...

"So my brother and sister are going to fly a long thousand miles to step into my town and try to take over and bury our father. I'm not going to help! I didn't hardly help in his last years while he was alive, to even check on him and make sure he's not fallen or needs food or needs love, company and support. Even if he did raise me from childhood and always been there for me and I live 15 minutes away. I've already done my part with somebody else once. By helping out that original father who raised me in my babyhood and mom told me was my father. I helped him find a nursing home, had my husband to clean up in his house, and did chores and bought supplies for him and lots of things. He didn't even appreciate it. No sir, I'm not doing anything else for anybody like that. I've already done my helping. This step-father who's treated me like his very own daughter and raised me through life. I'm not helping anyone in regards to his funeral or have anything else to do with him. Somebody else can do that. Let my brother and sister come and take care of all that. He wasn't even my real father anyway!"

And...

"Well, I'll pick them up at the airport. That's it. I won't even go inside and greet them like I normally do. I'll sit in the car outside with an attitude and then strictly give them a ride. Then I'll drop them off. I won't even go inside. They'll probably think we can all go into his long abandoned house and start sorting and facing what's all to be done. They'll want to go through all the photos and cherished mementos together. They'll think we'll all show in the process. I'll show them. They'll probably have to go in after their long flight and clean up the bedroom and sheets just to have a place to sleep. I won't offer them anything. No food, hospitality, nothing. In fact, I'm going out partying tonight. I won't even contact them. If they want to visit with me they can contact me. Who cares about them anyway? They've told me they're cheating me out of dad's truck instead of selling it. I'm sure their plans are just to cheat me more. He wasn't my real father anyway. I'm not going to help at all!!! Let them do all the work! And if something doesn't go how I think it should at the funeral, I'll make a big scene there too."

And so the bereaved sister and brother went into the long abandoned home that their father had left a year before. He left and died in a far away state, being taken care of by his own son and his wife - the only ones willing to take him in during his lingering days of feeble health. And yes, they did clean up a bedroom. Wash some sheets. Vacuum dust and debris. Figure something to eat and then went to sleep in their now dead father's home, only to wake and start figuring out how to arrange a funeral for the father who died leaving his loving children to close out his life with honor and respect. 

The future responses from other siblings was as yet unknown, but soon to be discovered as the nightmare and bitter feelings had just begun.